The other morning I was woken by a sentence starting with ‘Your dog’. I didn’t have to hear anymore, in an instant my still-half-asleep brain knew that having her moniker switched from ‘Dolly’ to ‘Your dog’ meant trouble. Like when you’re a kid and you do something wrong and you get the ‘wait ’til your father gets home’, you don’t have to know exactly what’s going to happen to know it’s not going to be good.
It wasn’t a ‘”Your dog” pooped in the house’, as that has it’s own special inflection. It was more of an underlined ‘dog’, like, ‘Your dog chewed’ or ‘Your dog broke’ or some other thing that surely meant that your dog is inconveniencing me greatly, making my life hell and it’s all your damn fault. Could be barking at the wrong time or spilling food everywhere, but more likely chewing some “priceless heirloom” slipper that was hated.
‘Now I have to throw it away!’
‘But you hated those slippers and you don’t even have the other one!??’
‘That’s not. the point.’
Dolly doesn’t do bad things. Your dog does.
Turns out she vomited. In the bedroom. OK not a voluntary or controllable expulsion, but animals that live in my house do seem to have a knack for throwing up on soft, absorbent surfaces- three feet that way the hardwood floors, three feet this way the bathroom tile, but lets stand right in the middle of the carpeted room to disgorge.
Of course I had to inspect the vomit, which is gross, to make sure it was from her and to do some CSI-type-shit to figure out exactly what the problem was- what she ate, when she ate it, the temperature at which it was eaten, what bothered her about it and a general deep investigation of the workings of her digestive system. In the end I could determine with any certainty only that it was dog puke.
In case you don’t want to know, probably stop reading here. But since I “had” to investigate it, I might as well share. It was about half grass, which is odd because I can’t remember the last time I saw her eat grass. Part was kibble, and the rest just a gooey mess. At least I didn’t find any animal heads in there- Dogs:1, Cats:0.